In response to one of Ian’s Facebook posts on the whole Sterling thing, some folks mentioned that they’re now convinced that the whole SR thing is an advertising gimmick. While I’m troubled to see that the truth is out, I’m also relieved. Now that all of this is out in the open, I can now make some exciting announcements. I just met with our marketing department today and it seems that the uniforms athletes will be wearing in the next Olympics will have a small SR logo on them. This will consist of a finely sewn abstract image of Rodin’s Thinker holding a 7-11 Big Gulp in its hand. The sales team at SR headquarters located in LA is extremely excited about this as we expect that this logo will open up all sorts of marketing possibilities in High School athletics, as well as the teen sports market. Meanwhile, our marketing team has been very fortunate to secure the same logo on a stock car in the racing circuit. This should earn the interest of the Nascar dads and will help us during the next election cycle as we put up third party candidates seeking to represent the political interests of nonhuman objects, powers, and patterns. Meanwhile, we’ve also commissioned Aronofsky to direct a series of television commercials pushing our new line of products as well as our political positions on the rights of dust mites and bed bugs. There’s so much going on that it’s hard to list it all. I would say more but as it stands I’m late for a lunch involving lobster, truffles, and caviar. After that it’s off to play a round of polo with my new Arabian stallion. Then I have to meet with a few senators, promising them campaign contributions if they push SR. Things have gotten very very busy, though as soon as the semester is over I’ll be off to vacation at the new tropical island the corporation purchased with Graham Morton, Bogost, Brassier, Grant, DeLanda, Meillassoux and a few other choice guests. We had Dubai build the island in the shape of an “S” and an “R”, so as to both represent SR and emphasize the anteriority of productivity over objects. Gotta run!
February 22, 2011
Larval Subjects . 
February 22, 2011 at 10:33 pm
Levi,
Great job announcing the new messaging. See you at the branding retreat next week!
Ian
February 22, 2011 at 10:37 pm
Since we’re marketing, I’m gonna go for it…I’m traveling from the States to Sydney for the month of March and a few days in April. If any Aussie Larvae out there know of some cheap digs where I can lay my writerly OOO head at night I’d be obliged and ever grateful. Since I’ve gone this far…Ideally it would be close to Hunters Hill or public transport to get me there. OMG, thank you!
February 22, 2011 at 10:39 pm
[…] The truth is out: speculative realism reveals its commercial interests! […]
February 22, 2011 at 10:41 pm
Frances,
Make sure you save your receipts for the per deim. We’d been planning to put you on the sales staff.
February 22, 2011 at 10:42 pm
Levi, aren’t you also going to announce that Ke$ha has agreed to open for the next OOO event?
February 22, 2011 at 10:45 pm
Oh shit, I forgot about that. She’s right up after Beber isn’t she?
February 22, 2011 at 10:47 pm
Finally! I can stop pretending…
Aronofsky, huh? Maybe he can do something where Natalie Portman slowly morphs into a blue coffee mug or something.
February 22, 2011 at 10:48 pm
Did you hear Graham is doing a movie modeled like The Network that recounts his travails establishing OOO? He’ll be played by Costner. I guess the latter is ripe for a comeback. We found a way to do some great market positioning for BP, Pizza Hut, and Lucky Strikes. We hope to bring back the whole WWII nostalgia for the smoke. Apparently BK will be doing the action figures in their kiddie meals.
February 22, 2011 at 10:50 pm
Joe,
We’ve been working on that but apparently CGI, even, has been unable to catch up with local manifestations.
February 22, 2011 at 10:59 pm
Oh man, I just talked to the design department. Ian, you’ll be played by Johnny Depp, and Morton will be played by Brad Pitt. I was surprised to discover that they’ve cast Crispin Glover for the part of Brassier. Kinda weird. I’m a little miffed that they chose Ed Norton to play me. But it’s the product positioning that’s important.
February 22, 2011 at 11:03 pm
lol@Levi.
Well done.
I can’t wait for some SR bobble head dolls to come out that I can stick on my dashboard. And SR beach towels. I can hear the commercial now:
“Summer is approaching! You’ll be the talk of the beach when you lie on Meillassoux or Bryant to soak up those solar rays! (Sun, beach, flip-flops, sharks and other objects not included. And even if they were you couldn’t encounter then directly, anyway.)”
February 22, 2011 at 11:04 pm
[…] irrepressible speculators have just launched a new book series in speculative realism now at Edinburgh University Press: […]
February 22, 2011 at 11:09 pm
Joe,
Not to worry, the neutrinos will pass right through! To be honest however, I’m think of grants to go do ethnography on the folks at IceCube.
February 22, 2011 at 11:17 pm
Hi Levi,
In what blocks are you selling the shares Levi?
And what are they valued at?
February 22, 2011 at 11:27 pm
Steve,
We rose ten points last week, but currently we’re under the radar. We’ve grouped temporarily with big pharma, siding with MERC. SR decided that if we could drug acamedia, we could corner the market. You might have heard of ‘low t’, a male horomone problem. We’re working on a new drug to solve the problems of low c and high p. The former refers to low curiosity, while the latter is a problem known as high pedantry. It’s especially endemic among continentalists who want to make every discussion about their favored white male philosopher in the european tradition.
February 22, 2011 at 11:32 pm
Has anyone read Ron Currie Jr.’s God is Dead? It imagines an all-out war between the forces of post-modernism and the legions of evolutionary psychology. Really wondering what sort of role SR would play.
February 23, 2011 at 12:26 am
I did, MPHarris. Was very affected by it, especially the portrayals of crony-on-crony violence within the EP ranks. Do you recall that beast of a run-on sentence describing the particularly vicious skirmish in the long italicized footnote? Spoiler Alert: Steven Pinker was clocked with a conk iron and doused with an Aveda curl-relaxing solution.
You guys play rough!
February 23, 2011 at 4:07 am
I was promised Colin Farrell…
February 23, 2011 at 4:34 am
You didn’t mention the viral marketing plan, known by the code name “blogging”
LMAO
February 23, 2011 at 2:17 pm
[…] Nate has discovered that onticology has hit the religious market as well. It would appear that our commercial blitz is working quite well. Thank you Aranofsky! LikeBe the first to like this […]
June 22, 2011 at 1:54 pm
[…] Levi lets the cat out of the bag: SR has been nothing more than a publicity stunt. Expect to be able to buy a blue coffee mug with an OOO logo in a store near you. (Actually, that […]